Are you there, Mommy? It's me, Ginny.

Mommy, probably around the same age I am now

Today was Mommy’s first birthday in heaven. It would have been her 62nd. It’s been a little over three months since she passed, and over five years since she was first diagnosed.

I thought that by this time, Mommy would have made her presence felt. Nagparamdam, as we say in Filipino. Typical folklore and myths dictate that butterflies - especially black ones - mean a departed loved one is passing by. I used to feel that way about Mama (my maternal grandmother), who was the OG plantita and who instilled in me a love of gardening and plants.

Mommy (carrying my sister), Mama, me, and my youngest aunt dancing in their old house, where I spent some of my formative years.

Picked some of my homegrown balsam flowers for Mommy

But then, chalking up every butterfly as Mama is kinda dumb when I have my own balcony garden and go out to walk the dogs every day. And let’s not get started on the black moths thing — that’s likely climate change.

In any case, Mommy hasn’t done that kind of paramdam ever since she left us, and I would be lying if I said I’m not bothered about it. Not a peep out of her on my birthday, Mother’s Day, not even today! I even read this book called Signs: The Language of the Universe a few years ago to deal with anticipatory grief since it helped a friend through the passing of her soul dog. Basically the premise is that we can “talk” to those on the other side and ask for signs - a number, an object, a symbol, a song. And they’ll send it our way as proof that they’re with us. And I’ve tried to do this with Mama, and it does work. But from Mommy? Nada. :(

Probably the most paramdam Mommy has done is that when Paul and I are on dates, we sometimes hear Taylor Swift songs play in the mall or restaurant or cafe we’re in. But that’s it. And there was none of this the past weekend! So yeah, kinda frustrating.

Some people have told me that it just means Mommy is very peaceful with God, which is why we don’t hear anything from her.

But honestly, I think the explanation is that Mommy just wants me to find her in things myself.

For context, this seems like a very her thing to do. I remember when she was quite ill already, I asked her what the best part about having children is, and she refused to answer. Probably because it was a very “last words” type of conversation. But when I pressed further, she said that I already know the answers because of the dogs (my sister’s dog and my own furbaby). And she seemed frustrated and left it at that.

So yeah, I think Mommy doesn’t make herself felt in the everyday or even the special days because she wants me to work at it and find her in the everyday.

It’s…easy enough, considering I still live in the house we’ve been in since 2011.

I was the one who spearheaded cleaning up her room.

I go through her phone occasionally, checking what was in her Lazada cart, scrolling through the one million email subscriptions she had.

Months ago, I went through a ton of office things she didn’t get to finish packing post-retirement, and I sorted through loads of documents while preparing to settle her estate and to prepare the house for some upcoming repairs.

Mommy is very present in my closet and makeup stand - from the hand-me-downs given over the years, to the special items of clothing I refuse to donate, to the 6-pack of hand cream. Among many, many other things.

Mommy in 1998 (with my sister in her lap, me and one of our yayas on the side)

Eyebrow pencil - bought by Mommy. Skirt - Mommy’s. Watch and bag - Mommy’s.

Mommy continues to provide for us “from the jar” as me and my sister say. There are still packs of bangus products in the freezer for me, and instant noodles in the cupboard for my sister. Not expired yet, thankfully.

Mommy’s also in the habits I’ve picked up.

Exercise because the genes demand it.

Productive rest periods and long weekends because “the idle mind is the devil’s workshop”.

Prayer - though not to the extent of Mommy’s devotion.

Cooking for myself - because I’ve been meal-prepping for a few years anyway and the budget/genes can’t handle instant/delivery food all the time.

Work ethic (at least I hope so — if anyone from work is reading this!)

Of course, people will say that Mommy’s also in the house, the funds, the education, the relatives, the values, the memories etc. etc. and that’s true…but I don’t know, can’t an orphaned girl want something more tangible than that from time to time, at least during days like these? Hehe.

This weekend, to celebrate Mommy’s birthday, I ordered some Ramen Nagi. I also got cupcakes from Wadoughs. Mostly because my sister and the relatives nearby aren’t into sweets, but also because me cutting a cake is basically a crime scene. Paul and I also ended up having tacos for dinner the other night - and Mommy really enjoyed Pancake House’s Best Taco in Town. That bit was unplanned but maybe it was a sign?

I also made coffee today - still from Mommy’s HUGE stash of coffee-maker-ready grounds. I had my cupcake while visiting the crypt. Not super morbid, honestly, and quite comforting. Next time I might even bring some coffee!

Writing all this out, I guess it’s really a matter of me bringing Mommy to today in so many ways. The songs I play, the food I cook, the cuisine I enjoy, the way I do things. Maybe it’s my way of keeping her with me and a way to let others get to know her too. Like, feeding my future kid a ton of fruits the way Mommy did with me and my sister. Introducing my fiancé to The Sound of Music. Or gifting stationery to friends - a habit I didn’t notice that I inherited from Mommy.

Anyway, if you’re there, Mommy, paramdam ka naman. Not saying you have to make the doors or windows swing around or send a moth! Just…something, I guess? Hehe. Happy birthday! No need to police you on the carbs or sweets anymore, or force-feed you turmeric- or liver-laden ulam. I hope you enjoyed being able to eat whatever you wanted today. :) We love you, always!